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Truth On Ice

Where truth collides with your face!

Good Day Folks! Today’s random topic is going to be about something that all people need to learn about. With summer approaching folks are going into a frenzy because they know they that the Hunting Season is approaching. Yes hunting; hunting for love, hunting for fun, hunting for a fling…whatever it might be Hunting Season is surely here. Women are heading for the closest nail salons to shove their dusty crusty winter feet into some unsuspecting little Asian woman’s face. (And that’s not racists it’s just a fact that the majority of nail salons in this city are owned by someone of an Oriental descent) Men are trying to get in shape after a few months of slacking on the gym; attempting to discover their abs under the excess of chips and cookies and ho ho’s that got packed on during the cold. Nevertheless…spring and summer are always exciting seasons. However; it is also subject so some of the worst catastrophes brought on by just plain stupdity…which brings me to my point:

The Five Commandments of Summer

1. Pedicures- Yes ladies (and gents) this is one of the most important thing you could ever do for yourself and for your community. I say community because other people have to look at your dogs in your flip flops, sandals, slides, etc. I personally hate feet; so if you kept a pair of wool socks on them bad boys during 100 degree weather you’d be doing my eye’s a service…but that’s in a perfect world. If your toes resemble this:

Or anything close to it, i.e: ashy, crusty, multiple corns, callouses, dry dead skin, cracked skin etc. It is safe to assume that you NEED a pedicure. This is not a luxury; it is most certainly a necessity. How dumb do you look when you have on your nice bright colorful outfit but your toes and feet look certified busted? And if you are not the offender…you probably know someone who is…so pass the word along that PEDICURES ARE A MUST. It’d would really blow if you met some nice handsome guy/woman who was on the hunt and everything fell apart at the seams because they took one look at your feet.

2. Depilatories– This is directed at my wonderful women out there. For those of you who are unaware of what the word Depilatory means; allow me to express my condolences to you for the bad education you got; then allow me to define. A depilatory is anything that can be used to remove hair. So anything from your Lady Bic, Nair, Veet or Wax even. There is no way that you should have excess amounts of hair in the following places: lips, bikini line, legs or underarms. This isn’t the sixties, you’re not about to burn your bra in rebellion and not shave your legs. How fly can you REALLY be if your legs are hairier than the average man? No one cares who wears short shorts if the legs in those short shorts look like a man’s legs. So just to reiterate; if your legs look like this:

or your under arms like this:

It is clearly time for you to make a trip to your local pharmacy or market and stock up on just about all the depilatories you can find!

3. Baby Wipes– Why would I carry baby wipes if I have no babies? You might be asking yourself. The answer is simple: Dirt. Yes, during the summer you’re flip flopping around the city, enjoying the sights, hanging with your friends you are also collecting dirt on the heels of your feet. Uggh. It’s gross. Not only is it gross, it’s just plain ol’ ugly. Once again you look pretty silly in your glamourous eye grabbing summer outfit just to have the whole effect ruined by 30 lbs of city grime to be caked up on your heels. If you carry baby wipes with you however, once you’ve reached your destination or had a chance to stop; you can wipe off the nasty filth that has attached it’s self to you.

FYI: Applying lotion or baby oil to you your feet right before walking outside is really a bad idea. Perhaps you should towel off….I’m just saying.

4. Strappless Bra- There is nothing tackier than seeing your grandma bra underneath your spaghetti strapped shirt. There is also nothing worst then seeing your saggy breast either because you decided not to wear a bra.

What this young woman has done is just plain ol’ offensive. Nothing that a strapless bra couldn’t have fixed. Nobody wants to see that. Nobody.

5. Clothes that Fit– Although this rule should pretty much apply ALL year long; it’s pretty common to see this occur during this season the most. If you have a camel toe in your shorts, it’s pretty much safe to say that not only are they not your size; but you’re going to have a heck of yeast infection by the end of the day. Despite common belief; muffin tops are not in either. Shirts that cling to every nook and cranny are not your friend. No way anyone should be able to count your stretch marks or rolls. Spandex is not your friend if your body is not physically fit. I know someone might have told you that having your skirt hiked up to your large intestines was cute; but it’s really not. Perhaps you should pull it down just a tad, I mean at least to cover your butt cheeks at a minimum.

FAIL

If you can follow these 5 very basic rules you can start your spring/summer season off with a bang! Guaranteed or you can have your ignorance back! It’s a win win situation for everybody! 🙂

S0 yes; I am sad to announce that Virtue in our generation of women has officially died. For you lug heads out there allow me to define virtuous. 

vir·tu·ous

Pronunciation: \ˈvər-chə-wəs, ˈvərch-wəs\
Function: adjective
Date: 14th century

1 : potent, efficacious
2 a : having or exhibiting virtue b : morally excellent : righteous <a virtuous decision>
3 : chaste

synonyms see moral

 

vir·tu·ous·ly adverb

vir·tu·ous·ness noun

So it’s pretty much an elegant word to describe being morally chaste or modest. Pretty much everything women in enertainment today do not represent.

It’s just different nowadays. There used to be a time when you could turn on television and women would be covered up but it was still considered attractive. When the girl next door was what guys liked. Now it’s seems as if being a stripper or a hooker is the look to go for. The number one ladies in the music industry are not doing much to vito these standards either. You’ve got Beyonce, Niki Minaj and Lady Gaga; 3 of the most influential women in music,style and fad right now leading the young women of today;and this is what they choose to look like:

Yes these influential powerful women who have a monopoly on our young girl’s eyes and ears today choose to dress and behave provocatively. They claim it’s no big deal. They claim they are empowering women to own their sexuality. They claim to be free of the obligations and standards that society has placed on women. (i.e barefoot in pregnant in the kitchen.)

What I don’t understand is why owning your sexuality means you have to look like you’re selling it?

It’s no shocker that today’s youth SERIOUSLY lack the respect and dignity that older generations used to have. They are a mass of militant,rebellious, stupid children acting under the guise of being “free” or “grown”. They are not free. They are just a slave to fad. Period.

Our very impressionable youth should not have to be bombarded by sex,drugs, money and mayhem everytime they turn on the television. They are enamoured by the allure of the things they hear about in these songs. I’m specifically targeting our young girls though because my eyes are simply exhausted from seeing all of the teen moms, prostitutes, and drop outs that plague our neighborhoods.

They can’t escape it. Some of the most notable pop stars Brittany Spears, Mariah Carey, Lindsay Lohan and Hannah Montana all started out as wholesome artists/actresses. The moment they turned legal they decided that being an adult meant being a slut…or at least dressing like one. This is the message that they are sending to our kids. Niki Menaj is a self proclaimed “Black Barbie”. Sooooo that’s just translates to cheap, plastic, and fake. Is this what the young girls should aspire to be? With statements such as “Step your pussy game up” and “Yea I ate the box” it’s no wonder that young girls today have the worst mouths ever. Have you ever listened to a group of young girls talking recently? Girl talk is more like porn talk. Hurts my ears.

Now the reality  is these artists at the minimum are being paid to be scandalous. Ummm but your daughter is not being paid to look like a naughty school girl. She’s in fact being kicked out of school. That’s always helpful.

While I’m pointing my self righteous finger though let’s not forget that some of the blame falls on the parents as well. If discipline was enforced and kids got a good whooping from time to time a lot of this mess could be avoided. Spare the rod spoil the child…I’m just saying. Alot of parents have bequeathed the responsibility of child rearing to television. Go figure.

I can rant and rave and holler about this all day long.

But it’d be pointless. Because you know what? The people who have the so called power to change it; are not going to. However…if you are a parent, an older brother, an older sister, cousin, aunt, uncle: TALK to these young girls! You do your part. Unless of course you’re one of those old fogies who try to act young.

You’re instructed to go sit in a corner and think about what you’ve done.

As always folks it was a pleasure.

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*Disclaimer- The contents of this blog maybe found offensive; please read at your own discretion.

I know you probably read the title of this blog and scratched your head quizzically.

What is polite racism? Polite racism is racism that is thinly veiled by seemingly harmless compliments which are really more like insults. Most people who engage in polite racism don’t even realize that they are being racist. They think that they are being nice.The Ku Klux Klan thought they were too. Polite racists don’t walk around in hooded sheets.

They look like normal regular people. They cross the street when they see me coming. They lock their doors in fear in parking lots. They clutch their pocket books closer to their body as I pass them by. They follow me around stores under the guise of “helping me” but really making sure I don’t steal. They do it all with a smile. They have a look of shock on their face when I open my mouth and speak.

Why you speak so well! I have been told. Why should that be a surprise? I also dot my i’s and cross my t’s; do you want to give me an award for that? Don’t get me started on the responses I get when people find out I listen to music other than Hip Hop and R&B. Or that I enjoy pastimes such as reading, writing and art. Or that I’m not on welfare. Or that I actually have a stable household. Gasp.

Polite racists feel the need to convey their disdain for “my kind” at the same time as trying to be comfortable with the idea of being around a black person. True story: I was hanging with a friend of mine who just happens to be Italian. Her family is notoriously racist. We went to visit her aunt who is well known for her thoughts on black folk. Nonetheless she invites me into her home. We engage in conversation. A little witty banter and casual talk. My friend’s cousin says to her mom “Hey did you know her mom is part white?” Suddenly a light bulb clicks in her head.

“Well that explains it!” she says. Of course now it’s my turn to scratch my head quizzically. “Explains what?” Matter of factly she tells me that it is the reason that I was so polite, spoke well, had ‘good hair’ and high cheek bones. How do I respond? I want to yell. I want to tell her how ignorant she is. I want to beat her over the head. But of course I will just be confirming her preconceived notions about black people. So I am silent. You can’t cure a life time of ignorance in a 10 minute lecture.

People want to believe that racism doesn’t exist anymore. That it was washed away with civil rights leaders such as Martin Luther King Jr., absolved with marches on Washington, obliterated by Obama being in office. It’s quite the opposite. People are just as racist today as they were then but just nicer about it. The way I view it is you can wrap a piece of feces up in a box and put a bow on it but it still stinks.

I’d like to believe that now a days people are beyond the color of skin. That all men are created equal is a thought in everyone’s mind…but sadly it is not.If you’re reading this and have had similar thoughts and conveyed similar actions such as those discussed here…you’d do well to ask yourself:

Am I a polite racist?

*side note:

Polite racism does not apply to just white people…this applies to any person of any race who looks down upon any other race. I’m just saying.

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Truthfully…I did..about a week ago on the El. Okay, so maybe I am totally fabricating the truth a tad. But in my defense he looked an awful lot like Jesus…except for the full body tatto he had …and for the run down Van sneakers he had on. Jesus for sure would have worn Birkenstock Sandals

                                                                                                     

Riding SEPTA is always an adventure. In fact I’d go so far as to say that SEPTA should have it’s own television shows in honor of the travesties that occur on a daily basis. This leads me to the topic of this blog:

Things I Hate About Riding Septa

The Smell- I pride myself on my body odor because I am happy to say that I wash and shower on a daily basis. Sadly the same cannot be said of all SEPTA riders. I’m bombarded by a plethora of odors everyday. Whether it be the elderly people smell (come on you KNOW old people smell funny)or the dank musty,sweaty smell of teenage boys who don’t shower after a ball game, the general bad B.O of folks who just don’t believe in soap and water, the obnoxious overdose of perfume or cologne because someone just didn’t know how to pull their finger off the pump or my personal favorite to hate: fishy menstrual smell. Come on…you just had to get on the bus and cock your legs wide open so everyone can smell how much of a woman you are. Spare me.

Cell Phone Users- Some people simply can’t use their inside voices while inside. I guess it never occured to them that the whole entire transit unit did not need to know that they found out person A was sleeping with person B behind person C’s back..and now person A is pregnant with person B’s baby except for the fact that it might actually be person X’s! Just shut up. Don’t get on the phone. Nobody cares except for you and the other person on your line; stop sharing with the rest of the commuters.

Crazy People- Yea yea I’m a compassionate person. I understand that they can’t help themselves. Blah blah blah. But WHY do they ALWAYS have to sit next to me? I try to be nice. They just start up conversations with me randomly about fuzzy kitties in top hats and sleep overs with Hitler and I’m suppose to just sit there and pretend like it’s normal. All the while I’m trying to keep a straight face while they jabber at me and spittle is coming at me full force all in my eye. There should be a rule or something about insane folks being allowed to ride public trans. Call it prejudice if you want…but secretly inside where no one can see ;you agree with me.

Jr. High and High School Students – If children are our future then the future is looking very bleak from my seat on the train. These kids mill onto the buses, trains trolleys etc. in packs just like animals. The young boys’ pants are way too tight and their boots way too furry and the young girls skirt is way too short and their hair way too wild. Here’s a suggestion: Stop showing off your Barbie panties to everyone and pretend like your mother raised you with some diginity and respect. Their language is way too foul and they talk about things that I didn’t even know about until I was much older! They smack their gum too loud and promiscuity oozes from their little oily pores. Did I mention they were way too loud? Most days I just want to put them over my knee and beat the fool out of them…and if there weren’t rules on child abuse…I probably would.

Fat People Who Sit Next to Other Fat People- This is pretty self explanatory. I am not small. I take up a good amount of space. If you way more than 180 you probably shouldn’t try to sit next to me.  But alas, I attract the most obnoxious people. They come and they huff and puff themselves right into the very small very narrow seat that my thigh is already sneaking onto. They give me the evil eye as if I should have moved over…but there is no room, my nostrils are now officially pressed against the glass. They sit there snoring while awake and continuously adjust themselves to try to get comfortable. News Flash: THIS IS UNCOMFORTABLE! No matter how much you move yourself around and try to adjust…we’re still going to be two fat people sitting in one small seat. You do the math.

Transit Romance- Get a room. I don’t want to watch you dry hump. I don’t want to watch you swap spit with “your boo.” I don’t care to watch this silly girl giggle senselessly over some tired joke you told. I don’t want to see the awkward fumbling over words as you guys excitedly put eachother’s numbers into your cellphones while trying to play it cool. This isn’t some after school special…you haven’t found love on the Broad Street line. What you’ve found at best is a booty call and a potential STD. Period. No questions asked.

 

I think I shall stop here because my break is over. Until next time folks. Au revoir

 

So…I figured before you started reading my blog you MIGHT actually care to know a little bit about me. I choose to skip all of the boring tidbits like age, race, weight, height, how many kids, astrology sign, etc. and just jump right into the important things that make me. Here goes nothing: I sleep naked…I sing when I’m taking a poop because it helps me concentrate…I absolutely love musicals and I often reenact them in my head…I sing in the shower…check out Shower Classics Volume 1…I squat in public when I’m trying to get a wedgie out although I think from now on I’m just going to go with the more direct approach and dive right in…I happen to think all things Star Trek & Star Wars are the best thing that could have ever happened to Sci-Fi…I like to read biographies…preferrably ones that the author had absolutely no kind of authorization to write…I think that there are A LOT of conspiracies involving our government…in fact since typing that statement I am %100 sure that my blog will now be on some top 10 list the government has created to keep an eye on any ideas that fall out of line with the the “norm”…although my coworker Leo the Great insists these things just don’t happen…

It does happen Leo..it does… I don’t believe in magic but I do believe in cover ups!

I think that having sex at least twice a day keeps me healthy…I believe that brandy cures every ailment especially the common cold… my philosophy on life is being angry is pointless so you should spend more time doing more productive things liiiike…shaving your legs, dancing in the rain…plucking under arm hairs…raising and lowering your eyebrows to increase muscle productivity in your forehead…play the ukele on your nose….I don’t know anything other then spending hours of your day ranting and raving about things that have no relevance in the grand scheme of things….I picked my nose as a kid and ate my boogers because they were salty…maybe I was lacking something in my diet…I hate the locker room at the gym because I’m constantly acosted by saggy middle aged and elderly breast and very hairy vaginas…it’s kind of gross and makes me want to vomit..

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I ALWAYS have an opinion about everything and I often have to wrestle internally with keeping my mouth shut so as not to offend others…great thing I have this blog because I’m pretty sure I will be venting here….moist things give me the creepies i.e mud, wet trash, dirty snow…etc. basically when it rains or snows; walking outside takes a tremendous amount of guts for me! Look…I could go on forever and ever giving you tidbits about moi…but I actually have to work….so until next time folks…

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