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Truth On Ice

Where truth collides with your face!

Good Day Folks! Today’s random topic is going to be about something that all people need to learn about. With summer approaching folks are going into a frenzy because they know they that the Hunting Season is approaching. Yes hunting; hunting for love, hunting for fun, hunting for a fling…whatever it might be Hunting Season is surely here. Women are heading for the closest nail salons to shove their dusty crusty winter feet into some unsuspecting little Asian woman’s face. (And that’s not racists it’s just a fact that the majority of nail salons in this city are owned by someone of an Oriental descent) Men are trying to get in shape after a few months of slacking on the gym; attempting to discover their abs under the excess of chips and cookies and ho ho’s that got packed on during the cold. Nevertheless…spring and summer are always exciting seasons. However; it is also subject so some of the worst catastrophes brought on by just plain stupdity…which brings me to my point:

The Five Commandments of Summer

1. Pedicures- Yes ladies (and gents) this is one of the most important thing you could ever do for yourself and for your community. I say community because other people have to look at your dogs in your flip flops, sandals, slides, etc. I personally hate feet; so if you kept a pair of wool socks on them bad boys during 100 degree weather you’d be doing my eye’s a service…but that’s in a perfect world. If your toes resemble this:

Or anything close to it, i.e: ashy, crusty, multiple corns, callouses, dry dead skin, cracked skin etc. It is safe to assume that you NEED a pedicure. This is not a luxury; it is most certainly a necessity. How dumb do you look when you have on your nice bright colorful outfit but your toes and feet look certified busted? And if you are not the offender…you probably know someone who is…so pass the word along that PEDICURES ARE A MUST. It’d would really blow if you met some nice handsome guy/woman who was on the hunt and everything fell apart at the seams because they took one look at your feet.

2. Depilatories– This is directed at my wonderful women out there. For those of you who are unaware of what the word Depilatory means; allow me to express my condolences to you for the bad education you got; then allow me to define. A depilatory is anything that can be used to remove hair. So anything from your Lady Bic, Nair, Veet or Wax even. There is no way that you should have excess amounts of hair in the following places: lips, bikini line, legs or underarms. This isn’t the sixties, you’re not about to burn your bra in rebellion and not shave your legs. How fly can you REALLY be if your legs are hairier than the average man? No one cares who wears short shorts if the legs in those short shorts look like a man’s legs. So just to reiterate; if your legs look like this:

or your under arms like this:

It is clearly time for you to make a trip to your local pharmacy or market and stock up on just about all the depilatories you can find!

3. Baby Wipes– Why would I carry baby wipes if I have no babies? You might be asking yourself. The answer is simple: Dirt. Yes, during the summer you’re flip flopping around the city, enjoying the sights, hanging with your friends you are also collecting dirt on the heels of your feet. Uggh. It’s gross. Not only is it gross, it’s just plain ol’ ugly. Once again you look pretty silly in your glamourous eye grabbing summer outfit just to have the whole effect ruined by 30 lbs of city grime to be caked up on your heels. If you carry baby wipes with you however, once you’ve reached your destination or had a chance to stop; you can wipe off the nasty filth that has attached it’s self to you.

FYI: Applying lotion or baby oil to you your feet right before walking outside is really a bad idea. Perhaps you should towel off….I’m just saying.

4. Strappless Bra- There is nothing tackier than seeing your grandma bra underneath your spaghetti strapped shirt. There is also nothing worst then seeing your saggy breast either because you decided not to wear a bra.

What this young woman has done is just plain ol’ offensive. Nothing that a strapless bra couldn’t have fixed. Nobody wants to see that. Nobody.

5. Clothes that Fit– Although this rule should pretty much apply ALL year long; it’s pretty common to see this occur during this season the most. If you have a camel toe in your shorts, it’s pretty much safe to say that not only are they not your size; but you’re going to have a heck of yeast infection by the end of the day. Despite common belief; muffin tops are not in either. Shirts that cling to every nook and cranny are not your friend. No way anyone should be able to count your stretch marks or rolls. Spandex is not your friend if your body is not physically fit. I know someone might have told you that having your skirt hiked up to your large intestines was cute; but it’s really not. Perhaps you should pull it down just a tad, I mean at least to cover your butt cheeks at a minimum.

FAIL

If you can follow these 5 very basic rules you can start your spring/summer season off with a bang! Guaranteed or you can have your ignorance back! It’s a win win situation for everybody! 🙂

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